20 July 2014

Is Andrew Rector A Douchenozzle? Reflections On A Mid-Game Snooze


Andrew Rector is either a genius or he’s an extremely not genius of any kind. I’d like to use more descriptive words but Andrew is the litigious sort. Which is the story here.
 
In case you hadn’t heard, Andrew Rector is the gentleman pictured below who entered into repose along with all his chins at a nationally televised baseball game. Being a proud, upstanding American, I consider this a sin on the order of knocking over a little old lady and smacking an ice cream cone out of a child’s hand. But if everyone who fell asleep at a baseball game were charged with a crime, we’d have to put fencing and barbed wire around America. And I’d have to bail out my otherwise-sweet wife.



Anyway, the game announcers -- Dan Shulman and John Kruk -- had some good, clean fun at Andrew Rector’s expense, speculating on the number of beers required to reach this particular Zen state.
 
From there, of course, the InterWebs picked it up and turned Andrew Rector into a cross between Bozo the Clown and Pig Pen. You can just imagine. Bloggers and tweeters called him a “fat bastard,” a “douchenozzle,” and also some unflattering things. 
 
And then tomorrow happened. In this case, tomorrow was April 14, by which time everyone would have forgotten about Andrew Rector except he sued Major League Baseball, ESPN and the announcers personally for $10 million, blaming them for heaping scorn and ridicule upon him.
 
Even a moron knows that this suit will die a slow, ignominious death. (I am not suggesting that Andrew Robert Rector of the New York metropolitan area is a moron. Considering that he filed the suit, there’s evidence that he has not achieved that vaunted status.) Suing ESPN and MLB for showing him in slumber (and apparent mid-droolage) is a fool’s errand. Suing the announcers for their tepid remarks is patent dopiness. Not that Andrew Rector is a dope, but his lawyer certainly is. (Note: From the semi-coherent ramblings of the lawsuit, he may not have a lawyer. Infer what you will.)
 
As a result of the lawsuit, millions of people around the globe who never noticed Andrew Rector conked out live on TV, or checked in on the disparagement of Andrew Rector on Twitter are suddenly aware that Andrew Robert Rector, a used car salesman in or around NYC (you can’t make this stuff up!) dozed ungracefully through the whole fourth inning of a Yankee-Red Sox tilt at The House That Ruth Built.
 
With his baseless and juvenile lawsuit, Andrew Rector has frittered away the sympathy his case inspired and catapulted the ridicule seven-fold, this time for good reason. And for that, you might think Andrew Rector is a flaming goober.
 
But is he? After all, you now know Andrew Rector’s name. You recognize his visage. You might be intrigued by his story. Maybe he’s just angling to extend his 15 minutes of fame to a half hour so that he can cash in. Think of the possibilities.
 
His people might be on the phone at this very moment encouraging the Yankees to do Andrew Rector Bobblehead Night, with the bobbling noggin on a rightward tilt. I see a book deal with a big advance: “Dreaming of Being A Thin Dodger Fan.” The endorsement deals from Tempurpedic and Jenny Craig practically sell themselves. A speaking tour, a magazine spread – and I do mean spread – Andrew Rector is positioning himself for all of it. The guy can stop selling cars – used or otherwise – and join the one percent.

Maybe Andrew Rector’s not a flaming goober. Maybe he’s a flippin’ genius.

No comments: