Saved From the Perils of G-G-G-Gambling

News item: The New York State attorney general ordered the two biggest daily fantasy sports companies, DraftKings and FanDuel, to stop accepting bets from New York residents, saying their games constituted illegal gambling under state law.

Oh thank you Mr. Schneiderman, you five-card stud, and your counterparts in neighboring states, for sheltering us from the scourge of gambling! Games of chance are dangerous for the public because they might spend more money than they can afford. Gambling is the devil's work. It's an addictive drug.

(No doubt, many of you read that news item while downing a cup of coffee, without which you're inert in the morning.)

Now, because of the heroic efforts of law enforcers everywhere, Americans from coast to coast are free from the ravages of games of chance.

• Except for state-controlled lotteries.
• Except for the entire state of Nevada.
• Except for casinos on Indian lands.
• Except for casinos aboard riverboats.
• Except for casinos aboard cruise ships.
• Except for Internet gambling sites.
• Except for NCAA office pools.
• Except for Super Bowl bar games.
• Except for church bingo games.
• Except for charity raffles.
• Except for Wall Street day trading.
• Except for season-long fantasy games.
• Except for the billions bet on sporting events every day.
• Except for horse racing venues.
• Except for Off Track Betting. 
• Except...well, let's not let details get in the way.

Good thing gambling is illegal in this country. Its comforting to know that government is keeping us all safe.