Ah Christmas, that joyous time of year when we celebrate freezing precipitation and a fat toymaker in a red suit and a caribou with a glowing proboscis and the loss of our grandmother in a speeding sled accident.
And a seasonal egg-based beverage, and hanging twigs and berries, and parties celebrating Christmas but specifically not called Christmas parties, and the minor league football playoffs, and a Wonderful Jimmy Stewart movie, and the singing of festive old chestnuts.
And the unconscious consumer orgy that fuels our great American economy and has now risen to the level of buying our loved ones luxury automobiles with ribbons on them.
Also, I understand there's a religious holiday somewhere in there that celebrates the birth of someone who evidence suggests was born in July.
I don't ask for much for Christmas. The Onion calendar. some new sweat socks and a Padres-Mariners World Series.
But if the gods can't make that happen, how about some of these baseball-related requests:
1. Some joy in Mudville -- a World Series pitting teams that haven't won anything in a while. Keep the Yankees, Red Sox, Giants and Cardinals out of it. Give the fan bases that have never enjoyed a baseball championship in Tampa, Seattle, Dallas, Houston and Denver a chance for a parade.
Include long-suffering fans in Chicago's North Side, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Detroit, Oakland, L.A., Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Minneapolis, Toronto, Atlanta and Queens -- all of whom have waited at least 20 years for a title. I'd even settle for victory in cities that have a recent championship, but nothing else. That would add Anaheim, Chicago's South Side, Philadelphia and Phoenix.
What I'm really saying is, the smaller the financial gap between franchises, the more competitive balance, the better.
2. A laxative -- some common sense rules to move things along. Like limiting pitching changes, throws to first, and stepping out of the box. And where the rules already exist, enforce them. Baseball is entertainment.
3. Hal behind the plate -- a computer calling balls and strikes. The technology now exists to get every ball/strike call correct. Why muck around with the Odyssey of umpires who are fooled a dozen times-a-game by moving pitches and catcher framing?
4. The Andrea True Connection -- More! More! More baseball on computers. Ditch the non-competes and allow us to watch all the playoff games on MLB.TV.
5. Trout fishing -- More great young talent like Mike Trout and Bryce Harper. It's awesome to see players who stack up with the greatest of all time.
6. A curfew -- arrange things so we finish the World Series by mid-October, before the snow flies on the most important games of the season. They have these new things called double-headers.
7. Global warming -- while we're at it, arrange the early schedule so games are played in good weather cities and domes. Early April is too cold for baseball north of the Mason-Dixon line.
8. A bust -- for Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Jeff Bagwell, Mike Piazza, Ivan Rodriguez and every other all-time great who is or might be tainted by steroid use. Put them in the Hall of Fame, warts and all, not for their sake, but for the Hall of Fame's sake.
9. A license to ill -- Require anyone requesting press credentials to have completed a course and passed a test on baseball's new analysis. Now that we're approaching 37 years since Bill James debunked the traditional accounting -- BA, HR, RBI, RS, W-L -- everyone covering the sport should understand why Alex Gordon (.271-13-48) is as valuable as David Ortiz (.273-37-108).
10. Peace on Earth. So I'll settle for Padres-Mariners.
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